Flotsam and Jetsam

By Tyler Socash
IG: @tylerhikes

 "Ty-Lah, I think we have a problem."  I was half-asleep when Bekah poked her head into view around my tarp.  The levity in her Kiwi accent went unheard.

"What is it?!?" I timidly begged.  "What's wrong?"  Admittedly, I was quite frightened to be awoken in such a way.

"...It's the canoes," Bekah stated matter-of-factly.

After hiking across Tongariro National Park, our group had one thing on our minds: paddling the Whanganui River! The Cute Boys Club, Couples Retreat, and literally boatloads of Germans were teaming up to form a massive group of 18 people.

We just had to hitch back to Taumarunui 30km to the north to resupply.

A few tidbits on hitch hiking...

● I never hitched in my life before thru-hiking.  Successful hitch #15 on Te Araroa was secured today!  I normally wait 5 minutes for a successful hitch, but sometimes it's a painful 30-minute wait.  Not too bad in the grand scheme of things!

● I have yet to pick up a hitchhiker myself (a fact that I will surely amend once I finally get that 2016 Tangerine Subaru CrossTrek).

● Hitchhikers who are obviously thru-hiking a long trail are typically intrepid souls at a crossroads in their lives.  They sacrificed a lot and planned really hard to be at that roadside spot along a popularized hiking route.  Picking them up is usually a great way to impress your friends later that night when you retell your genuine act of kindness.  Embellish our smell.  Be a trail angel.  Pick up thru-hikers! 

Tyler's tips on hitching in New Zealand...

Disclaimer: I am not the best hitchhiker.  I rank somewhere in the middle of the Cute Boys Club in regards to securing a ride.

1. Stick your thumb out.  Stick your thumb out like you mean it.  Don't half-ass this part.  It's the integral first step.

2. Find a partner to hitch with.  It honestly seems to work best when this hitching partner is female.  2-3 people seems to be ideal.  If your group is larger, split up.  Put you best smiler with the first group facing oncoming traffic.  It's possible that this person can charm the driver into picking up the second group further down the road.

3. Look like a thru-hiker, but take off your creepy hiker hat and sunglasses.  Show off that heavy backpack of yours.  Maybe make your collapsed and non-threatening trekking poles visible.  Utilize that roadside stream and clean off that excessive mud from your calves.  Appear slightly desperate but emotionally stable.  Allow that lucky someone the opportunity to identify you as a friendly hiker simply in need of a ride to town.

I once saw my friend Tobi hitch in the pouring rain.  Soaking wet, scowl on, all while dressed in a one-piece dark green raincoat with the hood up.  Tobi looked like a serial killer.  I was about to say something when he stuck his thumb out for the first car... Hitch secured.  Kiwi hospitality is unparalleled.  The hitch provider even took Tobi out for tea.  This is called a "Tobi Hitch."

I employ a few other tactics...  These are optional.  Kate and Bekah mock me all the time for doing this stuff...

4. Initiate the happy feet dance.  When making eye contact with a driver, look giddy with anticipation and rapidly pat your feet on the ground.  No serial killer hitchhiker would do this.  I swear that it assures the driver that they are about to board a harmless human being.

5. Allow the sunlight to accentuate the hitch hiking hand.  Throw it up higher and prouder than any other potential "thumber" on the road.  Assume a stance that leans you both into the road, yet also passionately towards the direction you wish to hitch in.

6.  Wave at cars going the opposite way.  Sometimes these people are simply  running a quick errand.  You might score a ride on their return trip.

Hitching is a two-way game.  The driver has to make a decision whether or not they want to pick someone up.  The hitchhiker then has to determine if their gracious driver is suitable to transport them.  Be safe out there.  Remind me to tell you Yankee Doodle Dan's hitching story if I ever see you in person.  It's the best story from Te Araroa this year.

It's been wonderfully easy to hitch on the North Island.  I'm very thankful for all the help. 

                               * * *

So we all managed to hitch our way to Taumarunui.  Resupply time!  Our pack weight limits the amount of goods that we can carry on the trail, but this weight is nullified on a canoe trip!  We were given 3 barrels, and I planned to fill mine with 3 things: camping gear, fruit / produce, and Scrumpy's. 

That evening I was happily coerced into leaping off a 12-meter bridge adjacent to our campground.  The local Māori adolescents were shouting, "You're a man!  You have a beard!"  I stood in a state of terror clutching the railing.  The kids gave me all the advice in the world.  I watched Sebastien and Mo' Fun Dan jump multiple times without requiring the charade of attention.  That's when the Awesome Principle was mentioned...  At that point I was forced to do it.  Bekah, Dan, Seb, and Kate gave me the final support I needed.  Legs shaking, I jumped!  It was quite the free fall.  My scream was pathetic, but I'm glad that I succumbed to peer pressure.

The day of reckoning had come.  It was time to embark on our 7-day Whanganui River quest.  We used a company called Blazing Paddles, which we thought was quite clever.  The owner became disgruntled when I failed to follow his instructions on how to properly secure my barrels or something... I don't really remember what he said because I wasn't paying attention. (Oarshadowing...)

The river was calling!  At the last minute Bekah and I were paired up.  We pushed off into the water.  Nearby were Kate and Downstream Dan.  We immediately tied our boats together and began our river float with an obligatory opening of our Scrumpy's.

"This is literally the best thing ever you guys!" Kate expressed with glee.

Our floatilla was interrupted by a rope swing.  Reyne, Sebastien, and Otis were already soaring into the warm river.  It was too perfect to pass up!  The floatilla quickly resumed, rapids were negotiated, and we frequently jumped out of our canoes for mid-afternoon swims.

Guys, go on a canoe trip with your friends.  It's a vacation-and-a-half!  Your problems really seem to drift away on the water.  Please email me directly with your witty pun.

Pulling up to our campsite, we found all of our friends waiting for us.  Couples Retreat had already assembled their tents.  I made a quick costume change into a mismatched suit and tie that I bought at a thrift shop in town (channeling my inner Trey Socash) just to host a game show night at our site.  We played Te Araroa "Fishbowl." It was a hoot.

The floatilla continued the following day.  At times we had 4 or 5 canoes tied together.  At one point my canoe came close to a rocky cliff.  There were a few natural steps along it, so I jumped out, ran up the wall, and cannonballed Bekah and the group.  I felt like James Bond!  A very childish version of James Bond.

Rain fell hard on the second night.  Relentless rain.  "Maybe we should tie up the boats?" Jer subtly suggested.

To be honest, we were a bit cavalier about the whole river rising thing.  "There's no way enough water could descend upon our watershed and wreak havoc on our perfect river vacation," thought everyone.  I put my mismatched suit back on and pleaded for everyone to play more trail games.  Tonight would be Te Araroa "Things."  It was a hoot.  We went to bed blissfully unaware of the torrents of rain falling upstream...

Jer and Anna couldn't hear the short conversation between me and Bekah, but they could easily decipher from my tone that something was wrong.

I unzipped my bivy and hurried to the river.  What was once a crystal clear passageway of hopes and dreams was now a murky brown flood plain. 

Our canoes were filled with water! Paddles and life jackets floated carelessly in the chaos.  This is why we can't have nice things!

I entered the water with Sebastien and started sifting through the flotsam and jetsam.  We collected submerged supplies.  "Bring out your dead," I wanted to callously call. 

"Being an adult is tough," Alex jokingly stated.  "Who did this?  We did this."

The debacle was a teachable moment.  I'm glad it happened because, 1) it was pretty funny, and 2) we quickly realized that all of the canoes were accounted for.

...Now what could I have possibly meant by Oarshadowing?...